


Deal of a Lifetime Fixer-Upper

by writingandchocolatemilk



Series: SpaMano Oneshots [27]
Category: Hetalia: Axis Powers
Genre: Alternate Universe - Human, Ghosts, Human, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-22
Updated: 2016-12-22
Packaged: 2018-09-11 00:37:10
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,530
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8945839
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/writingandchocolatemilk/pseuds/writingandchocolatemilk
Summary: Lovino pointed. "What the fuck is that?"There was a box sitting in the middle of the room; the only thing down there.Antonio immediately grinned at Lovino. "Spooky, no?"





	

**Author's Note:**

> **For SpaMano Week 2016 !**
> 
> **Day three : Unexpected Laughs ( A day late )**

Lovino placed the box down, coughed, and swatted his hand through the air.

"Jesus," he breathed. "They couldn't clean this place up any before we came, could they?" he called to Antonio. "This is fucking horrific."

Antonio came into the kitchen, placing his box next to Lovino's. "Well, it has been abandoned for a couple of years."

Lovino eyed the kitchen. "More than a couple. This place doesn't even have a fucking  _microwave_." Lovino opened a couple of the cabinets, eyeing the layer of filth. "Let's move the furniture into the basement. It'll make it easier to figure out where everything is going."

Antonio laughed. "We might not have enough furniture for this whole place!" He grabbed Lovino by the waist and swung him around. "A big improvement from the apartment, no?"

Lovino grinned. "It's filthy."

"It's ours!"

"Uh huh. Come on, let's get a move on. I want to have at _least_  the living room looking presentable."

 

* * *

 

It was not easy work. There wasn't much left, but there was an ancient couch that reeked of mouse droppings that was longer than Lovino was tall.

"One, two, three!" Lovino gave one final push. "Alright," he panted, "you want front or back?"

"I'll take back."

Lovino rolled his eyes. "Of course. Alright, one, two, three!"

They managed to lift the couch—granted, Lovino was sure he was going to lose his grip and get crushed—and get it into the basement. Lovino let it drop with a  _thud_ , and he gave his back a stretch.

"Grab the light, will you?" he called to Antonio.

There was a  _click_  as Antonio pulled the string. The light flickered, yellow and old as the house, illuminating the basement. Lovino coughed and squinted through the gloom.

"Hey, did you bring a box down here?"

Antonio vaulted himself over the stair's railing. "No, why?"

Lovino pointed. "What the fuck is that?"

There was a box sitting in the middle of the room; the only thing down there.

Antonio immediately grinned at Lovino. "Spooky, no?"

Lovino shot him a glare. "Fuck off." He walked over and crouched down, Antonio at his heels. "It just looks like pictures. Huh."

There were more than Lovino would have expected. All of various families, black and white and sepia, looking stoically at the camera. Antonio pointed at the one Lovino was holding.

"Hey, that's the kitchen."

A chill ran through Lovino. "Fucking creepy. I'm going to burn them."

"Oh, shall we try out the fireplace?" Antonio said brightly.

 

* * *

 

Lovino was mopping the foyer. Antonio had a shift at the daycare, so Lovino had the house to himself. He had risen as early as he could to start cleaning, but he hadn't really started until ten.

"Come over to my house," Lovino belted, sliding in the suds. "Jump in the neighbor's pool!"

The floor was already looking better, the wood a few shades lighter than Lovino had realized. Hopefully, if he got his ass into gear, he would finish the first floor, and tomorrow by the end of the day, upstairs would be clean—

There was a bang.

Lovino paused, straining his ears. "Antonio, I thought you were gone until four?"

Silence.

"And it felt nice." Lovino spun the mop around, nearly falling on his face, water cascading across the floor. "So nice."

Lovino threw open the door and started to push the dirty water out onto the porch. He paused, the spring air refreshing on his face. Well, he needed to get more water, anyways, and the house could use an airing out.

He opened the windows in the living room, bucket hanging in the crook of his arm. The kitchen…

There was a cabinet open. Just one, door swung all the way out. Lovino stared at it. Then, he threw the bucket in the sink, turned the sink on, and shut the cabinet.

"Please, God," he whispered, "I really don't have the patience for this."

He walked over to add soap to the bucket.

When he turned around, every cabinet was flung open.

 

* * *

 

"Lovino?"

"What?"

"Why are there crucifixes everywhere?"

"I don't have time for bullshit."

 

* * *

 

"Lovino?"

Someone who was about to be castrated shook Lovino's shoulder again. "I'm fucking trying to sleep, what the fuck."

Antonio shook him again. "Lovino, I got up to get a glass of water, but then the sink made me have to pee, so I went pee, and I heard someone walking around in the attic, listen."

Lovino started to dip back into sleep.

"Lovino! Listen!"

"Oh my fucking…" Lovino sat up, rubbing his eyes. "Antonio it's three in the morning!"

"Look! Do hear that?!" Antonio whisper-yelled.

"It's an old house, Antonio. We've never slept in this room before, it's probably just the house settling or fucking raccoons or some shit." Lovino yawned. "So let me fucking sleep, okay, fucker?"

"What if it's an intruder?"

Lovino rested his face in his hands. "Then I hope they kill me so I can get some God damn rest in this household."

Antonio stared at the ceiling.

Lovino sighed deeply. "Hey!" he yelled.

"Lovino—"

" _Hey_! If you're an intruder, come down here and fucking kill us already! If not, shut the  _fuck_  up! Some people need to sleep, fucktrain!" Lovino collapsed back onto his pillows. "There. Go to sleep."

 

* * *

 

Lovino knew Antonio was going to say something stupid as soon as he sat down for breakfast. He had that  _look_  on his face, and Lovino drank a cup of coffee as fast as he could to steal his nerves.

"Lovino…"

Lovino sighed. "Don't—"

"Our house is haunted, Lovino." Antonio leaned forward, eyes wide and earnest. "We have to call an exorcist. Or a priest?" Antonio frowned. "Who do you call to get rid of evil spirits?"

Lovino stood when his toast popped up. "Look, I'd rather spend money on renovating the kitchen."

"But Lovino, if you renovate, you'll anger the spirits! And  _then_  what will I do when you're all possessed! I saw this really messed up movie and a possessed woman bit off this guy's  _dick_ , and I don't want that happening to me!"

Lovino squinted at him. "So, what you're telling me is that you'd be more concerned about me biting off your dick than me being possessed?"

Antonio started to nod, paused, then slowly shook his head. "No. Look, the important part is that I don't think we should try to piss off the ghosts."

Lovino frowned. "This is  _our_  house. When the ghost starts paying the electric bill, then we can talk. Here that?" he yelled, buttering his toast. "Cough up two-hundred bucks a week and we can talk about the kitchen!"

"Lovino, don't tease the ghosts!"

 

* * *

 

"Antonio!" Lovino yelled, wrapping a towel around his waist. "You think that shit is funny?  _Antonio_!"

Antonio started, nearly kicking the cat across the room. "What?!"

"What the fuck?" Lovino snapped, shaking his head and scattering water. "You think it's funny trying to be a dick?"

Antonio stood. "Look it wasn't my fault!"

"What the fuck are you talking about?"

"I don't know, you came in here yelling at me!"

"Why are you trying to scare me?"

Antonio threw his hands into the air. "What?!"

"The mirror." Lovino pointed behind him. "While I was showering."

Antonio squinted at him.

Lovino crossed his arms. "I know you wrote that shit on the mirror."

"I was sleeping."

Lovino frowned. "You were supposed to be balancing the check book."

"The point is," Antonio said loudly, "I didn't do anything to you." Realization dawned across his face. "It was the ghosts."

"I don't—"

"Ghosts, Lovino!" Antonio crouched down, looking around the room.

"What the fuck are you doing?"

"What message did they write to you?" Antonio whispered. "What dark secrets did they bestow? What threat?"

"They wrote, 'you have a small dick.'"

Antonio frowned. "They were looking at your dick?"

"Small dick my ass."

"I'm not sure if I'm entirely comfortable with ghosts looking at you naked. Especially if they were looking at your dick." Antonio stood. "I don't want you showering alone."

"Excuse me?"

Antonio nodded. "Well, I'll have to get rid of the ghosts with my presence."

"I really don't think invisible ghosts care if you're in the bathroom with me or not if they want to look at my dick. Which…" Lovino looked at the ceiling. "Is a  _really_  perverted thing to do, you fucking perv!"

"I guess you could wear a bathing suit…" Antonio scratched the back of his head.

 

* * *

 

"Mother fucking…" Lovino kicked the covers off. "Fucking ghosts." Lovino threw open the bedroom door. "I swear to  _God_ , if you are  _actually_  breaking my dishes I will get a squirt gun filled with holy water, you  _fuckers_!"

"Lovino," Antonio called, "I think that only applies to demons."

"I don't give a  _fuck_ , those were a wedding gift from Grandpa!"

Lovino waited, ears pricked for any more crashing. When there was silence, Lovino dragged himself back to bed.

He was just dozing back off, just falling into the darkness, when he heard…

 _Tap, tap, tap_.

Just loud enough, just fucking loud enough to keep him away.

Lovino stared at the ceiling. "I'm getting a fucking priest."


End file.
